ac·count·abil·i·ty | \ ə-ˌkau̇n-tə-ˈbi-lə-tē
Definition of accountability
: the quality or state of being accountable
especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions
This is something I’ve unknowingly struggled with. Not knowing at the time that this was a thing for me. I masked it with other things such as being naive, or overlooking what I’ve done, or just simply not wanting to fully own up to my actions—whether it was intentional or not. Well that ship has finally come to a full and complete stop right at my door, damn right ACCOUNTABILITY has been staring me straight in the eye and if I’m being honest it’s scary, and it hurts like hell!
At 33, I’m beginning to grasp the concept of being accountable. It’s just not owning your shit, but accepting it and being aware of your actions and what it does to other people. I’ve recently had to get my ass handed to me by a best friend about being accountable. Here I was thought I was being accountable yet only to realize I was half way doing it. Or either not doing it at all. I would make excuses instead of owning part of my situation. Instead of owning it, I would back away, shutdown or just blatantly ignore it because it wasn’t something I wanted to hear. (Side note: hard truth when my circle tends to keep it to 100, I shut down and don’t respond.) Not knowing that my actions and lack of owning my part was affecting the people I love and care about most.
It wasn’t until recently when I hit rock bottom that I realized that I need to communicate better, be more aware and show more compassion. I got beside myself thinking that I was the perfect friend and that I checked the boxes off the friend list. But I was missing the point. They were yelling loud and clear to me that I needed to be more accountable for the things I say and do. I’ll be honest, I’m not perfect (recovering perfectionist) however I am doing the work required to be a better me first, then I can be a better daughter and friend.
Accountability isn’t as hard as we make it out to be. You just gotta own your shit and stand in it and deal with whatever comes behind it. And that’s my intention. Being accountable takes a lot of courage and work. And this time around I’m ready to do better.
“It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one’s acts.”
― Mahatma Gandhi