January 5, 2020, Bobby came back, but this time, he came back differently. I thought sure we were through. I dumped Bobby and I made sure to keep my distance. I found other ways to cope without him and dammit, ya girl was doing good. But that day, Bobby resurfaced and I couldn’t control myself. Every feeling I’ve ever felt with him came back and this time much harder than before.
“This can’t be life, the Universe clearly ain’t listening to me. I’m tired of this!” These are the words I muttered to myself as the tears rolled down my face as I sat in total darkness and isolation. You see, I was triggered late that Saturday night and I thought that I would bounce back if I could just make it to my safe place. However, I never made it to my safe place that day and I was livid to say the least.
My phone was still on DND and I was crying now silently but uncontrollably. I was tired of this repetitive cycle and constant frustration with my situation. I had reached my wits’ end. My phone was buzzing from people calling to check on me but I’d already clocked out mentally. I was emotionally and mentally and physically overwhelmed and exhausted. I’d call my biological father hoping that he would have some type of solution and not surprised by his response he didn’t. Which made me even more upset. Sitting back in the dark, crying, I glanced down at my phone and noticed Bobby’s name flashing on my screen. I answered. I needed some type of comfort. I needed to talk to someone who would understand and someone who’s been on this road with me. Even though Bobby was toxic, he was familiar and available. So I answered. His voice was still familiar but his tone was softer. He told me that he missed me and knew that if he called I would answer and he knew deep down in his heart that I was never really over him. I argued him down and told him that he was wrong. I hadn’t missed him and that I was doing fine before he called. He told me in the kindest voice “ you’ll never get over me. I’ll always be a part of your life!” He caught me at a very vulnerable time. I mean I was at the bottom with no light in sight, which led to my response. “I guess you’re right. No matter how hard I try to bury you, forget you and move on, you find a way to creep back in. I hate you Bobby.” He laughed and responded, “but I love you Marleigh and we’re inseparable.”
And that’s when it all went downhill. I’ve been going back and forth with Bobby for the last two and a half months. Some days we’re good and some days we’re at each other’s throats. Some days I totally forget that he exists and then other days he invades my mind and soul, eating away at it with no remorse. I thought I could run away from Bobby, leave familiar territory for a while and regroup without Bobby being in my head and in my space. The first, maybe a week or two of being gone, Bobby rode my nerves. I mean he was fucking with my mind in subtle ways. He had me thinking that I couldn’t do this separation thing and that I’d be back in no time.
I’m proud to say that for a few weeks I managed to focus on other things to keep my mind off of Bobby. I got off social media so I wouldn’t be tempted by the “ I wish” scrolling. I ignored his calls. I read his text messages but I didn’t reply. I figured if I ignored him and swept my feelings under the rug that he would just vanish and I wouldn’t have to worry about him again. This worked for a few weeks.
I had no clue what Bobby had in store next though. No clue of the next trick up his sleeve. But for now I’ll settle with the fact that Bobby has vanished once again. I will enjoy this moment for now. If I know Bobby the way I do, he’ll be back when I least expect it…